cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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