i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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