I just gift wrapped bread.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I need moral support for this bender
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
