Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
