Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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