i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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