my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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