Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
