What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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