A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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