I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
