there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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