I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
