just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
