Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
