i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
