lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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