she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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