I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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