I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
