does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
