Dude my mom stole all your condoms
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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