remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I believe in your delicious
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
