You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You made out with two different species that night
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
