so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
