I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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