tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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