you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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