So drunk its hurt
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
