Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
