He uses pillows to masturbate.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
