He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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