the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i was born a porn star she said
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Randomize
