Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
