You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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