Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
