Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
