found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
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