If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
I did not marry a roomba.
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