So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize