3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
