Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
