I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i just google imaged poop.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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