Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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