if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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