Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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