I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
