Your dad touched me again.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Randomize
