I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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