I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
