Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize
