I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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