He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
