I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
