Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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