shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
