This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
