I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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