one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
