last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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