Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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